Cheating Life

Jun. × ’11

The Melbourne Writers Festival seem to be a glutton for silliness, they’ve asked me to once again write my odd little reality mash-up stories for them. Last year’s blog was reviewed by The Enthusiast and they had this to say “pleasingly wicked and anarchic”.

Here’s a quick sample from my first blog post for the MWF.
I called up Travis, a tall black American who dressed like a jazz bassist and perpetually smelt of weed. I had met Travis at a friend’s art exhibition launch. He walked around the gallery with a small roll of red spot stickers and stuck them next to each painting he hated. When I quizzed him on whether he was buying all that art, he simply replied, “If people think they’re already sold, no one will make the mistake of buying this rubbish”.  We later bonded outside the gallery over our mutual hatred for Oprah and a Turkish cigarette that gave me my first head spin in over a decade.

You can read the full story HERE

Also, if you’re in Melbourne and have no plans for June 29th, pop on down to Madame Brussels. I’m hosting a night of comedians telling their best drunken stories. I believe everyone has a great drunken story in them. It should be a brilliant night of schadenfreude. The poster looks pretty boss too.

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I Can’t Get No…

Mar. × ’11

Well, it’s nigh under a week until I launch my Melbourne Comedy Festival show
Simon Keck: Can’t Get No
. You can purchase tickets HERE or feel free to visit the Melbourne International Comedy Festival site and read up on my exploits.

It’s been a mad rush to wrap this one up. While I was busy memorising 50+ minutes of material, my lovely little mac decided to commit digital seppuku, so all my scripts and promotional material vanished into the ether.

This of course meant an expensive trip to the nearest apple mac centre in a doomed attempt to recover my lost files. I bet you didn’t know this, but  when you take your laptop in to the Fisherprice technicians in an apple store, Steve Jobs actually comes out and administers the raping himself. He really does. Remember when he appeared emaciated from pancreatic cancer? It wasn’t cancer. He’d just been extra busy raping customers and it took it’s toll.

Seriously though, how great is that poster? The photo was taken by a very talented friend. Like a lot of fashion photographers, her blog is filled with models putting various cylindrical objects into their mouths. I have no problem with this.

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Happy Valentines Day… sort of…

Feb. × ’11

Hey DUFL readers,

It’s been some time since I’ve posted, so what better day to say hello than on Feb 14th, more popularly referred to as  St. Hallmark Day.  I whipped up this little cartoon for you young lovers that will have girls rolling their eyes and men saying “I have no idea what this guy is talking about, no seriously baby, don’t be that way”.

After a successful Comedy Festival show last year, I’ll be doing another one for 2011 titled Simon Keck “Can’t Get No”. I’ll update you on that a little later.

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10 Facts About Books You Won’t Read in a Book About Books

Aug. × ’10

Other than panicking over my lack of employment and my body’s foolish need for sustenance, I have been somewhat busy of late. In an effort to try to stay out of an office by using my creative skills alone, I somehow managed to be asked back as a blogger for the Melbourne Writers Festival.

You can read my introductory post HERE

I also got a little carried away and made them an animation to promote the festival. I created every part of it except for the music, that was done by Nicholas Heinlein aka Lada Laika. So time to pop on your learning bonnet and discover some actual factual facts about books by watching:

10 Facts About Books You Won’t Read in a Book About Books

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The Final Solution

Apr. × ’10

The Melbourne International Comedy Festival is almost at an end and so too is Dead Under Fluorescent Lights. For those of you who’ve come out to see the awkward face behind the awkward prose, it’s been a delight to meet so many of you. Those same folk also know that the whole point of the show, the message so to speak, is to quit your job if you don’t love what you do. So in order for my words to have any sort of weight behind them, I had to do the honest thing and quit my job. There would be no use in me spewing office epiphanies at the crowd if I was to trundle into work the next morning and sigh my way through the afternoon.

So what does that mean for the blog? I have no idea. I won’t be working with any of the characters that contributed to the success of DUFL, which is oddly bittersweet. On one hand I feel like shedding tears of joy and on the other I feel like learning how to breakdance so that I can do a victory pop ‘n’ lock through my living room. The blog will definitely stay around, but I think it’s going to evolve into the post office adventures as a writer and a comedian or it will simply have engrossing details of collecting unemployment benefits.

There are still 3 shows left if you haven’t already been to The Workers Club in Fitzroy. Tonight, Friday and Saturday – and then I shall get so drunk that I will prove my Grandmother right about everything she has said about my generation.

There’s also the People’s Choice Awards, not only do I get to shove the award all up in the grill of my Grandmother, but the people who vote get a chance to win a ticket to Montreal for The Just For Laughs Festival. Sweet deal. Just look for Simon Keck – Dead Under Fluorescent Lights to vote.

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Vomiting Butterflies

Mar. × ’10

So I’ve already done a weekend of shows for the Comedy Festival and it was brilliant. Despite the near debilitating nerves, it all came together and I had a whole bunch of people come who weren’t even friends or friends of friends – that’s a good sign methinks. People seem to be particularly responsive to the Nazi joke and the Sales Guy Happy Place bit. What are those bits? You’ll have to hit the Workers Club to find out.

I’ve still got fourteen shows to do and my liver is already keeping me up at night with loud weeping sounds. I think I’ll drown it into submission tonight with some of the $2 beers on offer. Also, Tuesday nights will be a 2 for 1 type deal on the door – just email me at if you’re thinking of coming down and I’ll make sure a seat is saved for you.

I do have a wee favour to ask of my fellow fluorescent prisoners. If you enjoy the blog then it’d be a huge help to me if you posted the following link on your facebook status (or blogs and other social networks, hell you can graffiti that link in a public toilet if you want). Word of mouth still seems to be the best way of getting info about the show out there.

By the way, this year they are doing a People’s Choice Award – even if you can’t see the show it’d be great if you could vote Dead Under Fluorescent Lights as they’re giving away a $5,000 cash prize. With that kind of money I could almost break negative. Almost.

I hope to see you there so that I can amuse/depress/offend you in person!

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All the World’s an Office

Jan. × ’10

In answer to your many emails, yes I am alive.
The reason I have been busy and posted no new DUFL’s of late is due to something really quite cool. I started Dead Under Fluorescent Lights in March 2009, so it seems only fitting that in March 2010 something a little different should take place. To all those in the cubicle club, I give you…

Dead Under Fluorescent Lights at the Melbourne Comedy Festival!

If you’re a fan of this blog, you can purchase TICKETS from Ticketmaster as of today.
I’ve also got a group discount, so if you bring along 6 or more co-workers it’s cheaper – even better, get your boss to fund it as a work outing!
They love tax write offs that have booze attached.

Dead Under Fluorescent Lights

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Junkie See, Junkie Do

Dec. × ’09

After removing my damp nostrils from a stranger’s armpit, I hopped off the overcrowded morning train and started walking in the direction of my office. I bumped into Steph just outside the train station and our greetings were deflated by the blaring siren of a fire truck that hurtled past us. I found it amusing that we both crossed our fingers when we saw it.

Sadly our office was still intact when we arrived, but just outside the entrance was a junkie who bore a striking resemblance to Iggy Pop, in as much as he looked like a vein wrapped around a skeleton. I gave him a small handful of shiny and after we entered the lobby Steph berated me for handing out money to him. I explained that it was only a few dollars and I enjoyed helping someone, even if in a shallow and token way. She argued that I was only enabling his drug fuelled lifestyle.

When it was time for someone to do the morning coffee run, Steph was arguing with Mike over a latté he owed her from a few weeks ago. Mike was adamant that it was the other way around. They continued to squabble loudly across the walls of my cubicle until I calmly stood up and gave Steph the money needed for her morning caffeine, which she gleefully accepted.

It’s nice to know I helped two addicts get their fix this morning.


Yo, where my tweeps at?! –

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Shocking Stuffers

Dec. × ’09

You can tell when it’s Christmas time in an office. The atmosphere is somehow different, everyone is full of cheer, cheer being an amalgam of ‘cheap’ and ‘liquor’. The multitude of parties and lunches has certainly left some rosy cheeks and greying livers, but if being fuzzed from intoxicants creates a happier environment, who am I to Scrooge on their parade.

I was strolling through the kitchen to kill time, and find some aspirin for my boss, when I happened upon a small festive cardboard box on the counter top. The note on the side welcomed food and toy donations for the neighbouring housing projects and already it was half full of tinned food and other groceries. I immediately decided to head over the road to the supermarket and grab a few things to donate. Out of curiosity, I peered inside to see what people had given. Under some chips was a packet of condoms with a note taped to the front that read

your kids break my windows – please stop having them, Merry Xmas’

I know what you’re thinking “If my cockles get any warmer, my heart might start a fire

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A Solitaire Life

Dec. × ’09

Our servers have been down for most of this morning, we couldn’t even log on to our computers. Strangely, a boring day bled into brilliance when I watched Craig, an awkward pause made flesh, stop playing solitaire on his PC and pull out a deck of cards to continue his game without missing a beat.

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