The Turd is High

5thApr. × ’09

Life is cyclical. A self replicating pattern, that in the smallest microcosm, is mirrored in the vastness of space. The frenetic reproduction of single celled life, is much the same as the complexity of human existence. The very Universe, is slave to a rhythm of ebbs and flows. Nowhere is this more apparent, than when you enter the office toilet.

Go in during high tide and your nostrils will be raped by punge-stinkery. The haunting sounds of spluttering anuses punctuate the ever browning air.

The only way to avoid this, is to know the caffeine cycle. The moon exerts it’s powerful influence on the ocean’s tide and double-shot latte’s are the culprit, for waves of waste pounding the porcelain shore.

The first bowel tide sloshes through at exactly 9:23am, Abating at 10:38am.

The second coffee colonic occurs precisely at 3:11pm with the last plop being heard at 4:56pm.

There is also the phenomenon known as the White Stall. Caused by Middle Management, there is no way to predict it’s coming, but if you hear the sounds of knuckles turning white, then drop ply, half-flush, and for the love of smell – flee.

I hope you learn much from these words, and may your bottom always hover over the bluest of water.

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