22ndJul. × ’09

Normally of a month, we’re treated to ‘team time’. This involves being taken somewhere loud that has UV lighting and the suffix “-orama”. The expectation is that we’ll bond with our colleagues and our temporary camaraderie will permanently infect the office environment. This would of course work, if every day at the office we were allowed to get stinking drunk and watch our managers sniffing excessively and dancing around like cocaine marionettes. Mercifully it’s been cancelled this month, which is fine with me. I was told they planned to take us to a bowling alley. I’m cool to forgo the bowling. To me, it’s like masturbation. It seems like a good idea, but after about five minutes my arm gets tired and I wonder why I even bothered.

The real reason why team time was cancelled was due to upper management organising for a Feng Shui expert to come in to align the office chakras. Byron, who introduced himself as a karmasultant, told us that he was a devout Buddhist, who regularly volunteers at a homeless tree shelter. Byron is also a strict vegan, only eating vegetables that died of loneliness. Not only is he a spiritual healer, but also a successful portrait painter. He showed us some of his portrait work, at first I was confused by the fact they were just abstract purple and blue smears on a canvas. Then I was baffled when he explained he only paints portraits of people’s auras.

My work can’t afford to let me take the first week of paid leave I’ll have had in two years, but they can pay for a rotund man wearing crocheted pants to chase ghosts from my keyboard with incense.

Yo, where my tweeps at? – http://twitter.com/DUFL

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