The Pollygraph Test

10thSep. × ’09

My boss tapped me on the shoulder and jerked his head in such a way as to imply that he wished to dent my face with private yelling. I fell in behind him and we stepped into the elevator to head down for some coffee. He was wearing his most stern face and shook his head like I had just made a paedophile joke in front of a close friend who was a recovering kiddy fiddler. He explained someone in our office had made an official complaint about me. I wasn’t that surprised, but I was shocked to find the reason given was my attitude towards women.

Polly or as I dubbed her Polly-mantis (which I just know will come back to bite me. Only I hope not from the neck up while she’s copulating with my twitching corpse) has been reviewing new applicants for a number of sales roles. The thing is, she won’t hire any men, because she thinks a man won’t follow a woman’s rules. I can hear the “pfffft” of a thousand husbands already. After she dumped that knowledge nugget, she commented that all the male applicants were too blokey and unattractive anyway. I asked if any of the female applicants were hot enough to use Excel.

This was the comment that landed me in hot water. My boss is so paranoid that she might take some form of legal action, so I’ve now been told not to bring up anything sexual in front of Polly in case it offends her.

Right, I’ll behave myself in front of a woman who got drunk at lunch and graphically explained how she makes anal sex work. Apparently it’s all down to breathing and just the right amount of chardonnay.

Even the salt shaker and the bread roll she used as a prop felt violated.

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  1. AW
    Posted September 10, 2009 at 8:39 PM | Permalink

    I think she likes you FE.

  2. Anon
    Posted September 10, 2009 at 8:59 PM | Permalink

    Did you atleast take notes? If someone is willing to share such valuable information it would be rude not to take notes:
    a) how much chardonnay?
    b) what type of bread?
    c) was the salt iodized?
    etc. etc.
    its all about the details you know

  3. Carla
    Posted September 10, 2009 at 9:07 PM | Permalink

    HAHA. This is gold.

  4. Telf
    Posted October 6, 2009 at 10:09 PM | Permalink

    hahhaha anal and chardonnay, WTF. this site is gold. i pity you, i am not sure whose workpace is more mental, yours or mine

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