The FAQs of Life

14thSep. × ’09

While my office can’t afford to increase my pay this year, they can of course find the funds to buy a giant plasma screen television for the in office café. The thing is huge and I mean huge. My spatial recognition isn’t strong enough to give you a definitive measurement, but I can tell I could only buy it if both my parents died. I knew the TV would be like an attractive high school exchange student, with everyone wanting to crowd around it at lunch. So I took mine earlier, that way I would be able to watch what I wanted. Unfortunately Ulrich had the same plan and was on the couch busily cramming corn-chip triangles between his thin lips. I sat down and he barely acknowledged me, which trust me, is a good thing. He offered me the bag of corn-chips and I politely declined.

Good move, last time I had a pack of these, I fell asleep on my couch. Woke up with an orange penis

I buried the palms of my hands into my eye sockets until I could see fractals of light behind my lids.

It was like a cheese tan

I looked for the nearest window, but they all had Ulrich-proof bars installed. Shaking my head, I decided to ignore him and watch the television. There was a documentary on about the inner workings of the human body. We watched a microscopic scene of a fertilised human egg being set upon by a gang of exuberantly wriggling sperm. The announcer mentioned that humans had evolved to produce two different kinds of sperm, some act as blockers to repel any foreign sperm from other men, thus increasing the chances of conception. The second type make a bid for the egg. I had no idea how strategic semen could be, and that’s when Ulrich turned to me and said

Hey, if my father and I both have sex with the same chick, would our sperm fight it out, or would our DNA be so alike that they’d team up and go for gold?

I am terrified that he will seek out the answer. If your name is Pandora and you’re approached by an old man and a creepy Viking eating Doritos, please keep your box firmly shut.

Yo! Where my tweeps at? –

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One Comment

  1. SL
    Posted September 26, 2009 at 11:03 AM | Permalink

    “I buried the palms of my hands into my eye sockets until I could see fractals of light behind my lids.”

    Clearly your best line………ever!
    I laughed for quite some time over the visual, maybe because it’s so familiar. =/

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