You Are Who You Eat

4thOct. × ’09

At least once a week I join my colleagues for a two-beer lunch. This had started out as purely a Friday affair, but has now bled over into Monday. I’ve also been rounding up everyone to go ten minutes earlier so that we’re not followed by one of our IT guys, Ulrich. I’m not that fussed if he comes, but he seems to put everyone on edge. Particularly when he giggles to himself over anyone eating anything even remotely phallic. Our lunch crew has learned to stick to burgers, salads and soups, although we avoid any soup described as ‘creamy’ for just the same reason.

I think he’s cottoned on to our escape plan, as he was already at the pub when we arrived for lunch. Nina, our receptionist, was meeting her sister there for lunch so we had a few of the more attractive girls from our office eating with us. Ulrich suggested we all try the sausages. No one ordered them.

There is no secret that Nina is a bit of a looker. Not only did God deem fit to bless her with the pouty looks that fuel male adolescent pant fizzing, but he also made a back up copy. Yes, Nina has an identical twin. You’d hope a second version of herself would diminish her beauty due to it being shared between two, really, it only amplifies the fact.

As we waited for our food to arrive, he kept putting both hands below the table and sipped from his beer by craning his face down into the glass. Ulrich was firmly engaged in a staring competition with Nina and her twin Erica’s nipples and he was determined not to blink first. Most of us were asking polite questions about what it’s like to be a twin and the girls spat out well rehearsed lines at us. Ulrich decided he would ask a question of the pair,  the twins, not the breasts.

So if you both share 99.9% of each other’s genetic make up, if you went down on each other, that’d technically be masturbation right?”

I don’t think they ever rehearsed the answer to that one.

They certainly had nothing to say after

Oh man, if you cross your eyes a little, there are four of them! Mm… top of the range

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  1. WTF?
    Posted October 6, 2009 at 3:22 PM | Permalink

    That’s the sort of sexist BS that gets people fired in my office. One would hope someone is speaking up for the women with your HR, or would that be another Fail you get to blog about?

  2. Telf
    Posted October 6, 2009 at 9:52 PM | Permalink

    that’s seriously fucked up. someone needs to speak up about this pervert. i’m getting bullied and harrassed at my office (yeah IT too) and so failed to find this post funny; only mortifying. get this dickhead fired.

  3. Abe
    Posted October 20, 2009 at 11:04 PM | Permalink

    Heh nice one. Man, most of your commentors have no sense of humour!

    He’s taking poetic license folks, its not a literal retelling of events…

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