The Last Walt

5thOct. × ’09

I realise that I really shouldn’t drink coffee at work. Riding the agitated chemical wave makes my chest tighten and I’m more than a little disturbed at the Pavlovian response of my bowels. Just the smell of Colombian juice gets my sphincter twitching like a junkie’s eye. Still, when my boss actually offers to buy me a cup, it’s such a rarity that I can only jump at the chance to be reimbursed for the huge number of skinny-lattes I’ve bought for him.

We crossed from the elevator to the café at the bottom of our office building and my boss asked if I saw the email that just went out. I haven’t, but apparently Walt has resigned. These resignations have been happening with alarming regularity, only they’re never referred to as resignations. We just get an email saying “…will no longer be with us and we wish them all the best” No explanations. Were they fired or did they resign? Who knows, they’re just gone and that seems motivation enough for everyone to stay tight-lipped.

Walt is a mainstay of the company, I think he’s been there since year one. He’s a little deaf and was one of the first people to receive a cochlear implant. I always liked him because he swore like a sailor. Worse than in fact, he’d start talking and sailors would take out a pad & pen, jotting down phrases like “whore-knuckle” and “poof-lips” for future use. Although, he’d say it with the distortion of a deaf person who overly commits to vowels, which upgraded his word filth from crass to charming.

I asked why Walt left and my boss laughs like a ruptured bastard. They’ve never gotten along and he proceeds to explain that at last week’s once-a-month cake meeting, which I missed out on, he told people Walt had tended his resignation. The rumour caught on, and fuelled by the sugary high of fake cream, ended up reaching our CEO. The boss of bosses made a huge speech about the number of years Walt put in and how sad he was to see him go. Apparently some of the ladies from accounts teared up at the news of his departure. The poor fellow ended up going along with it, because he didn’t have the heart to correct all the well wishers.

I can’t tell if my boss is an evil genius or a gifted idiot. He had someone removed from the company without lifting a finger and still freaks out when that same finger nudges the insert key and “the computer is stealing his words

Oh and guess who forgot their wallet and had to buy their boss a coffee – again.

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One Comment

  1. Posted October 5, 2009 at 6:43 PM | Permalink

    damn, your boss is an arsehole. Can you not start up (or otherwise seed the idea with the knob) a ‘company account’ at the coffee shop for his convenience…? He’s an idiot, albeit cunning, which may work your favour.

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