The Emperor’s New Ho’s

12thOct. × ’09

My boss is extremely excited about his impending vacation to Thailand and other than one-too-many jokes about ping pong balls I think he’ll have a fairly relaxing time. In fact, not having him around the office is, for me, a holiday in itself. While I’ll be tanning myself under an air conditioned sun, he’ll no doubt be checking every girl he talks to for the tell tale signs of a Thai Lady Boy. He’ll be bobbing for Adam’s Apples so to speak. I shouldn’t be so judgemental, but he did spend a little too long explaining the leaps in tranny technology to us at after work drinks last Friday. I’m now to understand that Bangkok is to transsexuals what Japan is to chrome pocket-sized gadgets.

Craig, one of our senior managers, firmly believes that homosexuality is caused by either men not playing enough sport or women playing too much. Craig is also the kind of guy who only listens to your anecdotes so that he can dismiss them with what he thinks are his own infinitely cooler tales. Perhaps he was inspired by my boss discussing his itinerary or maybe it was the eight beers he downed in quick succession, but he told us about his last vacation that he took with some of his ‘High-End Friends’ or HEFS. Yes, he’s made an acronym based on Hugh Hefner.

All of his over achieving buddies run their own companies and every now and again they blow off some steam without their trophy wives impeding them. On their last trip away they hired a house boat for the long weekend and sat around drinking and snorting my entire week’s wages on an hourly basis. They also hired a number of hookers to accompany them, which led them to officially creating ‘The Singlet Rule’. A sacred commandment that one can only assume Moses simply forgot to add on to his ten.

The Singlet Rule came about because, due to the size of the house boat, they realised that at some point they were going to see each other naked and that was considered far too gay to be permissible. I mean what if one of them hadn’t kicked a football around enough when growing up? If Craig’s theory was correct, they’d flock to the cock like a moth to a bug light. To circumvent the apparent homo-erotic situation, one of the HEFS had the brilliant idea of wearing singlets. Essentially if they were wearing singlets, they weren’t technically nude. Thus standing bourbon-in-hand next to a guy being felated by a prostitute was somehow completely heterosexual and not in any way awkward. It’s as logical as staying dry in a thunderstorm by hitting at the rain with a stick.

I remember when male bonding was all about poker, not poking.

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