Time Keeps on Sipping

14thOct. × ’09

If you find yourself running from a Tyrannosaurs Rex or sleeping with a young hottie that turns out to be your great great grandchild, then I really do apologise. It’s all my fault you see, for yesterday I foolishly broke the space time continuum in my lunch hour. I had gone out for dinner the night before and had no leftovers to bring in for my lunch, so I went over the road to the upmarket market to scout for upmarked prices on food. The whole place was filled with organic produce of every kind, organic sausages, organic vegetables, even organic cling wrap. So expansive was the  choice, they had some apples labelled ‘neutered apples’. When I asked the small freckled girl in the fruit section what a neutered apple actually was, she scoffed at me like I’d just asked her how many feet I have. After spending several minutes bathing in the glow of condescending food stuffs, I quickly grabbed some pumpkin soup that came in an actual pumpkin and headed for the check out. Before I got there I picked up some bread to have with my soup and noticed they also sold imported beer. I picked up a Belgian Pilsner and went straight back to my desk.

After realising it’s almost impossible to microwave a pumpkin filled with soup, I had transferred the contents to a bowl and it sat steaming in front of both my monitor and me. The hiss of the pilsner bottle opening was akin to shooting a maritime flare into the ceiling or simply screaming AIDS at the top of my lungs for no apparent reason. The people in my office completely lost their shit over the fact I was drinking a beer at my desk. I literally drew a crowd. It was like the scene in Stanley Kubrick’s ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ where the ape creature first uses a weapon to the dismay of it’s hirsute brethren. Such a simple concept, yet it had never occurred to my colleagues before. I’m fairly certain it was around this moment that my actions caused the universe to implode, such was the reaction from the other staff. Steve appeared panicked and asked me why I was drinking a beer at my desk. My answer of “I’m an adult” seemed to cave his mind in. All around I could hear whispers of “pssst… psst… beer… pssst… desk… psst” If I’d known it would cause such a fuss I’d have charged two bits a gander.

Naturally I was called into the office of my boss who expressed much concern over my deskside drink. What I found strange was that he didn’t care about me having a beer at my desk, he just wanted me to be more discreet about it. To further illustrate his meaning, he picked up a snowglobe from his desk, pulled a small plastic plug from the bottom and took a large sip. His only comment was “You get used to the vodka, but the snow tastes like shit

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5 Comments

  1. Mark Kennedy
    Posted October 14, 2009 at 3:50 PM | Permalink

    It’s Steve Miller time!

    Time keeps on sippin, sippin, sippin,
    Into the future,
    Time keeps on sippin, sippin, sippin,
    I need a suture.

    I want to frolic like a beagle,
    In the sea,
    Frolic like a beagle,
    Let beer and spirits carry me,
    I want to frolic like a beagle,
    Till I’m on E.

    Oh, Lord, it’s devolution.

    Feed the ladies,
    Who don’t have enough to eat,
    Sue the rich,
    With tax shelters at their feet,
    Rouse the people,
    Protestin’ in the street,
    Oh, oh, there’s a solution.

    I want to frolic like a beagle,
    In the sea,
    Frolic like a beagle,
    Let beer and spirits carry me,
    I want to frolic like a beagle,
    Till I’m on E.

    Fly through the devolution.

    Time keeps on sippin, sippin, sippin,
    Into the future,
    Time keeps on sippin, sippin, sippin,
    Into the future,
    Time keeps on sippin, sippin, sippin,
    Into the future,
    Time keeps on sippin, sippin, sippin,
    Into the future.

    I want to frolic like a beagle,
    In the sea,
    Frolic like a beagle,
    Let beer and spirits carry me,
    I want to frolic like a beagle,
    Till I’m on E.

    Fly through the revolution… again.

    Time keeps on sippin, sippin, sippin,
    Into the future,
    Time keeps on sippin, sippin, sippin,
    Into the future….

  2. Posted October 14, 2009 at 3:51 PM | Permalink

    I hope it wasn’t a Stella…

    STELLA!!!!!!

  3. Posted October 15, 2009 at 8:54 PM | Permalink

    MARK KENNEDY, YOU SIR, HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS.
    FRENCHELBOW, I BELIEVE THAT MARK KENNEDY IS ATTEMPTING TO STEAL YOUR THUNDER WITH THE USE OF HUMOUROUS, SATIRICAL REWRITING’S OF SONGS..
    THIS IS A THREAT TO YOUR LIVLIEHOOD!..OR AT LEAST YOUR hmm, im not sure..
    steve cock just realised that he has been yelling at both of you. now, please accept his apology and let us move on in this bright, glittery, stinking of excess packaging world, full of organic overpriced produce, lame work colleagues and weird ass fuckin bosses.

  4. Josephine
    Posted October 18, 2009 at 11:35 AM | Permalink

    Going out to buy a snowglobe now. Maybe I can modify a tea strainer arrangement to fit in the bottom so I don’t have to drink snow.

  5. Mark Kennedy
    Posted October 18, 2009 at 8:32 PM | Permalink

    Wow. I thought Frenchelbow was twisted. Josephine’s definitely a close second.

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